MARS; Rove for Love Not War

Before we go to Mars, let’s go to home.  Let’s first solve all of the mysteries here on Earth before adding the new mysteries from Mars.  Mysteries like finding the Loch Ness Monster, getting a Hi Def/Hi Res picture of Big Foot on instagram, and trying to satisfy the needs of a woman.  Before we move on to destroy another planet, you know we will end up destroying Mars as well.  You know that, right?  Earth has been alive for over 400 garbanzillion years and we’ve only been on it for a couple thousand and we are already the reason it’s getting hot as shit, of course I am referring to shit that has been lit on fire, a hole in the ozone layer, if you squint your eyes you can see it, and the reason for overcrowding, what can I say women be so hot it make a dude wanna…  Rule of thumb; get to know yourself before you get to know others.

It’s not just me who feels this way; many great scholars have phrased it throughout the years:

 “He who knows others is wise; He who knows himself is enlightened.”     – Lao-Tzu

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”     – Aristotle

“Do you boo boo!!  You know why!?  Cuz I’m a do me!!”     – Kevin Hart

We are filled with so much self hate that we end up not only hating ourselves, but we end up hating the things around us, the people around us, and eventually our own home, Mother Earth.  That is the real reason we sent a rover to Mars, so we can get away from our hated planet, Mother Earth.  The rover hasn’t been on Mars for more than a week and it’s already shooting rocks with frickin laser beams attached to its head, frickin lasers beams attached to its head.  What will happen when it confronts a Martian?  Do you think a laser is the proper tool needed to express love and peace to a Martian?

I think the hippies had it right; make love not war.  Peace, Love, and Happiness.  That’s what we need to express to the Alien.  You know what, we can start today.  We can start right now!!  After you read this, please do all of mankind a favor and love yourself.  Love yourself really good and really hard.  Go to the bathroom so you can be alone, because you don’t want someone to ruin your concentration as you master this self love.  Love yourself to the bone.

Then go over to your neighbor’s house and love them, too.  Love thy neighbor is in the bible; so religious people you can do this as well.  Love your neighbor so good that they have no choice but to scream out OH GOD, YES!!

Then get out and get into Mother Nature as many times as you can.  Climb her big ass mountains and swim down her rivers into her valley and love her furry friends like the beaver or a rabbit and tell her you love her until you pass out or the police take you away from loving her rabbit…

NASA, instead of sending a rover with frickin laser beams attached to its head, a rover…  with a frickin laser beams attached to it’s head..,

maybe you should’ve thought of how the rover could’ve brought peace to an alien on Mars.  A Martian!!  Do all of us Martians a favor and send the next rover with a flesh light or some real genitals so the rover can hook an alien up and help the alien feel good about itself.  And then have it say to the Martian that that’s how we roll on Earth and remember to always ENJOY YOURSELVES!!


Excuse me, I have to go my neighbor is watering her garden and I might have to water her garden as well… Ms. Parker…





About MarsComedy 235 Articles
Guys With Issues is a comedy podcast based in Honolulu, Hawaii. Three comedians chat in a round table style forum and discuss current events, various issues, and comedic segments with a number of celebrity guests stopping in for a visit.

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