Best Of Honolulu 2012 According To Sparkles

We here at Mars Comedy like to think we have our fingers on the pulse of local culture and that’s why we were excited to see Honolulu Weekly’s annual Best of Honolulu reader’s poll! What a great place to give credit to all of your island favorites! Our Jonny Sparkles tackled a few of the categories. Here are his picks!:

FOOD

Best lunch under $10: Damaged cans of pork n’ beans I bought for 25 cents apiece at the dollar store
Best store for local produce: My pot dealer
Best Oahu farmers’ market: My pot dealer
Best locally made ice cream: That creepy guy at Cold Stone Creamery
Best food at Eat the Street: Half-eaten hot dog I found at the dumpster next to Ross Dress For Less
Best beach or waterside dining: Eating a girl’s pussy in my mom’s car while parked at Sandy Beach
Best fine dining: I had a McDouble yesterday and it was fine, so I guess McDonald’s
Best dining under $40/pereson, not including booze: Uh. I don’t know. Personally I’d just by like 4 40 oz. beers for 10 bucks and I’d forget that I was even hungry
Best local bakery: My pot dealer
Best cupcakes: 2 Girls, 1 Cupcake
Best coffee shop using locally grown beans: Jabba’s Java Rastafari
Best locally brewed beer: Erykah Baduweiser

GREEN

Best environmental watchdog group: Crime Dog McGruff
Best water-saving tip: R. Kelly
Best energy-saving tip: Don’t spank a girl in the ass during sex if you have a clapper installed
Biggest hurdle to installing PV: VD
Best electric or hybrid vehicle: Hoveround
Worst proposed new landfill site: “Ho cuz, just tro um whereva”
Best venue for recycling single-use plastic shopping bags: Anybody walking around with a shopping cart in Chinatown

LITERARY

Best fiction by a local writer: The Local Bible written by Local Jesus
Best poetry by a local writer: Crazy meth head walking around my neighborhood drinking a 2 liter of Mountain Dew
Best memoir by a local writer: How I Saved Our Local Economy by Jim Donovan
Best book of Hawaii history: The Disappearance of KITV
Best public library: The bathroom at Barnes & Noble
Best reading/meet-the-author venue: The handicapped stall in the Barnes & Noble restroom
Best writer in pidgin: You know da buggah

NIGHTLIFE

Best dance venue: I’m not black
Best DJ: Tanner
Best beach/pool bar: You can bring a flask anywhere if you’re careful
Best new nightclub: Sphinkter
Best restaurant for live Hawaiian music: Back of Da Bus Bar, Grill & Ukulele
Best exclusive venue: You’ve Probably Never Heard of It Hipster Haven

ARTS AND CULTURE

Best cultural festival: Meth head fight, A’ala Park
Best art exhibition: When a girl with tattoos gets naked
Best film: Taro II: Poi!
Best hula halau: Hula’s
Best local painter: The homophobic bathroom graffiti artist
Best local photographer: Japanese tourists
Best local ceramicist: Swayze Shirts
Best local singer: Don Bro (Bros before Hos)
Best comedian: Harry Da Coconut Bruddah
Best local jazz group: Jizz Markie
Best local indie music: West Indies
Best surf film ever: North Shore

SPORTS AND FITNESS

Best pool on Oahu: Hawaiian Brian’s
Best gym: Donovan?
Best yoga center: TCBY
Best public tennis courts: Rich guy’s backyard in Hawaii Kai when they’re out of town
Best surfboard repair: Mitch Funai
Best SUP store: SUP Bulay

PEOPLE

Best celebrity chef: Boyardee
Best up-and-coming chef: Boyardon’t
Best local celebrity: Lord Loco of Moco
Best dentist: Isaac Yankem DDS
Best dermatologist: Ho cuz what is dat?
Best-dressed: Trannies
Best local filmmaker: Whoever shot that one fight at Safeway
Best local radio personality: Dr. Doo Doo and the Morning Zoo Boos
Best local anchorperson: Eddie Cavett with your local weather
Best surfboard shaper: (TIE) Turtle / My pot dealer

MarsComedy
About MarsComedy 235 Articles
Guys With Issues is a comedy podcast based in Honolulu, Hawaii. Three comedians chat in a round table style forum and discuss current events, various issues, and comedic segments with a number of celebrity guests stopping in for a visit.

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